Have you ever looked at an old photo of yourself with a group from many years ago and tried to identify who all the other people in the fading polaroid are? You recognize someone and think, What ever happened to him? Or you ask, I wonder where she ever ended up? Some friendships don’t last, and that’s ok. We lose contact, people move, we change cities or even countries. The common interests you had in your teenage years are most likely not the same interests you have now. It can be good to reminisce, and you may keep in contact as “official” friends on social media, but most, if not all, of those friendships are more superficial than substantial.
While it is enjoyable to look back at friendships of the past, it is essential to evaluate your friendships of today. Are you fulfilling your duties as a friend, or are you a bad friend? Are the friendships you value in your life harmful or beneficial? What does it take to ruin a friendship? In the grand scheme of things, not much, really. It might be worthwhile to look at the relationships in our lives and determine what makes for a bad friend.
A Bad Friend Will Gossip
The book of Proverbs is full of wisdom on how to be a good friend, how to maintain and improve the authentic friendships in our lives. It also provides warnings about ruining the friendships we have. As we are warned often in the Bible, from the Law to the sermons of Jesus Christ and the apostles’ teachings, many problems begin with the tongue. When it comes to ruining a friendship, it is no different. How often have you heard that someone close to you, someone you thought was a loyal person, is talking about you behind your back? Or with the roles reversed, how often have you found yourself quick to criticize the actions of a friend or share secrets entrusted to you by another? Proverbs warns us that “a whisperer separates the best of friends” (Pro 16:28 NKJV). A bad friend will not keep a secret. When we feel wronged by our friend, the biblical route to reconciliation is to confront, confess and forgive the offense. When that takes place, we have gained our brother, and we have gained back our friend.
But what happens if we don’t just leave it at that? What if we keep bringing it up to others? We feel justified because maybe there is still a bit of pain there, maybe still a judgmental spirit. “Did you see what their child did in the service? Do they even know how to discipline their children?” Stirring up old offenses and having a judgmental heart is a surefire way to damage or even ruin a friendship. “Whoever conceals an offense promotes love, but whoever gossips about it separates friends” (Pro 17:9 CSB). How great a forest fire can be started by just the small fire of our tongue. James was very in tune with the human heart when he said that the tongue is a “world of iniquity … and sets on fire the course of nature” (Jas 3:6 NKJV). A bad friend will gossip.
A Bad Friend Is Selfish
Have you ever asked yourself, Why am I friends with this person? Is it because they always pick up the bill in a group outing, or because of the pool in their backyard, or because their birthday gifts are always the most impressive? A bad friend will always think most about what they will get out of a relationship rather than what they can give. What if tomorrow that friend lost everything? Would you remain as close? Scripture states that there is nothing special, nothing foundational, if a friendship is built upon the wealth or clout of another. “Wealth makes many friends, but the poor is separated from his friend. … Many entreat the favor of the nobility, and every man is a friend to one who gives gifts” (Pro 19:4,6 NKJV). It was the friends of a wayward son who were quick to disappear as soon as he spent all his inheritance. He spent it all and began to be in need. As loneliness crept in and he worked away with the pigs, how deeply he would have felt this truth: “All the brothers of a poor person hate him; how much more do his friends keep their distance from him! He may pursue them with words, but they are not there” (19:7 CSB). Even though He knew all that was in man, the Lord Jesus Christ would have felt the pain as He saw Judas, a man He had befriended, go out that day to sell him for just 30 pieces of silver. What are my motives as a friend? What motives do my friends have? A bad friend is selfish.
A Bad Friend Will Contaminate
“Evil company corrupts good habits” speaks clearly concerning the influence of those with whom we keep company (1Co 15:33 NKJV). While we often may associate this with the places they go or the things they do, Scripture focuses more on the character of the person. “Don’t make friends with an angry person, and don’t be a companion of a hot-tempered one, or you will learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare” (Pro 22:24-25 CSB). Do you find yourself acting differently, and not in a good way, around a certain friend or group of friends? Do I have a negative impact on those close to me because of my behaviour? It is always a worthwhile activity to consider the friendships in our lives and see if any are causing harm in our lives. “The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm” (13:20 CSB). Being friends with bad influences will bring harm into our lives. A bad friend will contaminate.
Just as in other facets of our lives, it is valuable to evaluate whether the friendships we have in our lives are to our spiritual benefit or spiritual harm. It is also well worth the self-reflection exercise of looking at ourselves in the mirror and asking, Am I a bad friend?
