Long before we know the word, we learn what conflict is. The nature of a toddler soon clashes with the stated rules of her parents. The expression of her desires and preferences will soon be pitted against that of her siblings and playmates. As the years pass, conflicts continue to be an inevitable part of our earthly experience, but growth in maturity can offer us more tools for understanding and resolving the conflicts that come our way. The believer in Jesus Christ should recognize the significant advantage we have, if we are willing to apply the principles of Scripture to the all-important task of conflict analysis and its resolution.
A critical part of navigating conflicts well is being able to accurately assess the nature of each one in turn. There are some conflicts which are perpetual, that is, they will see no resolution in this life. The conflicts between sin and God, the flesh and the Spirit, Satan and the believer are all examples of this. They are conflicts in which there are clear enemies with whom there will be no reconciliation and who must be opposed. However, the focus of this series is on conflict between people. This type of conflict has some important differences to the above examples. Namely, we should seek resolution of the conflict when possible, and we should never view the other person, whether believer or unbeliever, as an enemy.
If we view all conflict as a battle against an enemy, and “winning” as the desired outcome, we fail to understand the nature of the conflict and move further away from a proper resolution. Our conflict with Satan is to be distinguished from our conflict with other human beings, as in the former case “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood” (Eph 6:12).1 Is it possible that I, or my brother, or both, can be influenced by Satan? Certainly, this is something against which we must be on guard, but let us not fall into the trap of projecting Satan’s character and motivations onto the person with whom we find ourselves at odds.
One of our tendencies is to treat good versus evil conflict as less conflictual than it should be, while treating other types of conflict as if they were a clearcut choice between right and wrong. Both errors demonstrate the need for a proper consideration of the nature of conflict. The biblical command concerning the flesh is to “put it to death,” while the instruction concerning my brother is to be reconciled to him, and to win him back (Mat 5:24; 18:15). Consider some contributing factors which determine the nature of interpersonal conflict.
A lack of information or understanding. How often has it been discovered that a disagreement was due to the facts not being fully known (Pro 18:13)? Here we note the importance of reining in our emotions and getting the facts straight before drawing conclusions – or swords!
A lack of perspective. Conflicts become exacerbated when we don’t stop to consider the issues from another perspective. Maybe some honest self-awareness (humility) will enable me to see that the log in my eye ought to be the main focus, rather than pointing out the shortfalls of my brother (Mat 7:5).
A difference of preferences. A healthy preference is fine as long as it doesn’t hinder us from “being like-minded, having the same love …. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Php 2:2-4). This others-first attitude is seen most powerfully in Christ Himself. Whether it be pandemic restrictions, political leanings or the auditorium paint color, believers would be wise to carefully avoid allowing these to become divisive, especially in public. The airing of our grievances on social media and expression of disdain for those who disagree not only distract us from our main purpose in the world, but also bring dishonor to the One whose name we claim.
A perceived violation of rights. In a dispute about the fence line with my neighbor, what would grieve me more: to lose a sliver of my property or a slice of my testimony? Which will matter most in eternity? Paul chided the believers in Corinth for their failure to resolve their conflicts on their own, going instead before the court of unbelievers. That they had gone to the extent of litigation actually worsened the conflict. “To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1Co 6:7 ESV). Paul has no sympathy for swindlers (v10), but asserts it is better to be the defrauded than the defrauder!
A difference of convictions. How often have believers allowed matters of conscience to cause a breakdown in relationship with others? In the observance of certain holidays, consumption of certain food or drink, recreational choices and more, we are to mitigate conflict with those whose conscience differs from our own (Rom 14).
A difference of upbringing/background. Often issues on which we differ can be traced to opinions informed by diverse generational, regional or cultural backgrounds. We must be aware that diversity was God’s idea, and should be viewed in terms of the blessing it brings rather than despising those whose life experience has been different from ours (Eph 2:13-16; 1Co 12:18-25).
Sinful behavior. We have noted above that conflict isn’t always owing directly to sin. But, sadly, sometimes it is. James indicts his readers with a searing question: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” (Jas 4:1 ESV). James writes of conflict with other believers because of pride, of conflict with God because of friendship with the world, and of conflict with Satan over against fellowship with God. In addition to selfish pride, conflict rooted in sin can be due to gossip (Pro 17:9; 26:20), a refusal to forgive (Mat 18:28-32), a disobedient relationship (2Co 6:14-18) or unconfessed sin (Mat 5:21-24), to name a few. Recognizing the nature of such conflict will lead us to be ruthless with sin rather than with saints.
Sometimes we create conflict needlessly when it would be better avoided, and sometimes conflict must be confronted scripturally. At times, it may be beneficial to involve a qualified third party (Php 4:3) to help “live in harmony with one another,” but always, “so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom 12:16,18 ESV).
1 Bible quotations in this article are from the NKJV unless otherwise noted.
