Life was good for David. Foes were subdued, finances could not have been better, the family was prospering, and friends seemed loyal – until his lapse with Bathsheba. Family problems seemed to dog his steps from that time onward. One of the saddest fruits of his fall was the murder of Amnon by Absalom over his humbling of Absalom’s sister Tamar. The sordid details are well known to all. With malevolent cunning and careful preparation, Absalom carried out his deed, to the grief of his father David.
Absalom fled and spent three years in a foreign land. During that time, David’s grief over a murdered son turned to grief over an exiled son. Joab, equal in cunning to Absalom, engineered a way to have Absalom brought back to Jerusalem. David sent for his banished son to return him to his home, but we read this insightful sentence, “So Absalom returned to his own house, and saw not the king’s face” (2Sa 14:24).1 Putting aside for the moment the fact that genuine forgiveness is not possible without repentance (of which Absalom showed none), there was the semblance of forgiveness but not of reconciliation.
A question that will be addressed later is, Can there be genuine forgiveness without reconciliation? For now, we must content ourselves on looking at the scriptural pattern and pathway for reconciliation to occur.
The steps needed for resolving issues between brethren are given in detail in Matthew 18. The goal is always to “gain thy brother” (Mat 18:15). The Lord’s use of the word “gain” certainly implies more than mere forgiveness. It implies a restoration to a brotherly relationship. The reconciliation that salvation brought to us, effected by God through His Son, remains the pattern for us. But none of us can say as God does, “Their sins and iniquities will I remember no more.” With finite beings such as we are, memories linger and wounds heal slowly. These should never be excuses for slowness in reconciling, but they are realities we have to recognize.
Does that mean that reconciliation is impossible, or that it only applies to minor issues? To suggest that we, as believers indwelt by the Spirit of God, are incapable of obeying the Word of God and achieving reconciliation is a slight upon the power of God and His indwelling Spirit.
Please grant me a writer’s liberty to take a verse out of context. Paul, in urging the believers at Corinth in their ministry of giving, said, “if there be first a willing mind” (2Co 8:12). This introduces a crucial question: Do I really want to fully forgive and be reconciled to my brother? Am I waiting for my proverbial pound of flesh for the wrong done? Do I want him to suffer a little before I reconcile? The Spirit of God envisions believers as being so desirous of reconciling that if we take both Matthew 5:23 and 18:15 we see an interesting similarity. In Matthew 5, I have offended my brother and am told to go to him and be reconciled. In Matthew 18, my brother has offended me, and I am told to initiate the process by going to him. So, whether I have done the offending or I have been offended, I am to initiate reconciliation. The picture is of two brethren, the offender and the offended, rising up and rushing to each other to resolve the problem and warmly embrace. So, the first obstacle to overcome is my willingness to take the step toward genuine reconciliation.
But next, how do we overcome our creature weakness – the memory we carry of the offense, our wounds that cry out for retaliation? Paul established a general principle that should control all our interaction with fellow believers. It is a high standard, and it can be costly: “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus” (Php 2:5). To think of others as Christ thought of us is the ultimate and only effective cure for our creature limitations. God intends us to rise above what is natural and reach for that which is spiritual.
What does it mean to think as Christ thinks? What relevance did it have to the assembly at Philippi? The adoption of this mindset would enable them to “work out” any problem that existed in interpersonal relationships (Php 2:12), thus preserving or saving the assembly. The mind of Christ will first of all help me to value my brother for whom Christ died. It will remind me that it took nothing less than His work on the cross to establish the bond of fellowship between believers. We have been reconciled not only to God but to each other. Sin’s ultimate work was to make us each our own little “god,” striving for control over others and “hating one another” (Titus 3:3). Only the “kindness and love of God our Saviour” (v4) was able to make the radical change needed.
But having the mind of Christ also means that I will seek, with the help of the Spirit of God, to choose not to remember the wrong done to me in all my interactions with my brother. I will reflect on how often I have had to confess the same sins to my Father, how often I have grieved Him, and how often He has forgiven and welcomed me back. When I am conscious of this, it makes any offense done to me dissolve in a sea of tears for His goodness.
One final item should be mentioned. What if my brother does not want to reconcile? I am never responsible for another believer’s response, only for my own. I am called upon to forgive, and embraced in that spirit of forgiveness is the goal of reconciliation. If, however, the offended party chooses not to accept my apology and fails to forgive, or if reconciliation is refused, I am to maintain a spirit of forgiveness and a readiness to reconcile at any future time. A refusal to reconcile is likely an indication of an unforgiving spirit. That believer must be left, prayerfully, with the Lord.
“It must needs be that offences come” (Mat 18:7), and if they do, we can view them as opportunities to display Christ to each other.
1 Bible quotations in this article are from the KJV.
